英语笑话精彩

时间：2025-11-06 15:55:36 银凤英语笑话

英语笑话精彩合集

　　笑话是幽默的载体，一个成功的笑话能流传千古，听者和讲者都会感到快乐、欣喜，拍掌叫好!以下是小编为大家准备的英语笑话精彩合集，一起来爆笑吧!

英语笑话精彩合集

　　英语笑话精彩 1

　　年长者阶层

　　During the doctors periodic visit to my elderly mother, I told him that Mother would be celebrating her 98th birthday in few days. Delighted by the news, he bent down and gave her a kiss for the occasion. He then announced that he, too, would be celebrating a birthday in few days and asked for a kiss in return.When he left, my mother shook her head in disgust. "Can you imagine, " she said. "Seventy dollars and I had to kiss him too!

　　医生按期来探视我的老母。我告诉他母亲不几天就要庆祝她98岁的`生日了。医生听了也很高兴，为此，他弯下腰来亲了她一下。然后他说不几天他也要庆祝自己的生日，并要求她还他一个吻。医生走后，我母亲厌恶地摇摇头。“你能想象吗，”她说，“付了他70元，我还得亲他!”

　　英语笑话精彩 2

　　保证没走错To be on the Safe Side

　　In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer.

　　在一家电影院里，一名观众在演出期间站了起来，沿着他那排位子走到休息室去了。

　　A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:

　　几分钟后，他回到那排位子并问坐在首位的那位男士道：

　　"Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?"

　　“对不起，请问我刚才出去的时候是踩着你的脚吗?”

　　"Yes, but it doesnt really matter. It didnt hurt at all."

　　“是的`，不过没什么关系，一点也不疼。”

　　"Oh, no, it isnt that. I only want to make sure that this is my row."

　　“噢，不，我不是这个意思。我只是想确认一下这是不是我的那排位子。”

　　英语笑话精彩 3

　　没把头发全剪掉啊

　　Miles sometime went to the barbers during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barbers one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him."Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.""Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time.""Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time.""Yes, sir, thats quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but Im not having it all cut off."麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。“你好，麦尔斯，”经理说。“我看到你在上班时间理发了。”“是的.，先生。正是这样。”麦尔斯平静地承认了。可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。“不全都是吧，”经理立刻说，“有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。”“对呀，先生，你说得很对。”麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，“但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。”

　　英语笑话精彩 4

　　Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

　　"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"

　　The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

　　There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

　　两个猎人在森林里打猎，突然一人晕倒了。他的.呼吸停止，眼神呆滞。另外一个人掏出手机，拨打911。

　　“我想我的朋友死了！”他喊道，“我该怎么办？”

　　接线员说：“请冷静。首先，请确认他是否真的死了。”接着一阵沉寂，然后是一声枪响。回到电话中，猎人接着说：“好了，然后呢？”

　　英语笑话精彩 5

　　A School-report The father was reading the school-report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful as he read: "English, poor, French, weak, mathematics, mathematics, Fair," and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad. "Wall, Dad." Said the son, "it is not as good as it might be, but have you seen that?" And he pointed to the next line, which read: "Health excellent."

　　学期总结父亲正在读儿子刚刚交给他的学期总结，他的儿子满怀希望的看着他，而他则生气的`读着学期总结："英语,差;法语,中;数学,良."然后,他厌恶地看着那个正在抖动着身子的小子."恩,老爸."儿子说:"那没有达到本来应该达到的优秀水平，不过你没看到那儿?"他指着下一行，读到："健康状况，优秀。" 鲜艳)

　　英语笑话精彩 6

　　Dumas仲马

　　One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry. “Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon;yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro.” “Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to knowmygreatgrandfather was a monkey. In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates.”

　　有一天，一个人在嘲弄法国大小说家亚历山大·仲马，讥笑他的祖先。那家伙厉声说：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血儿，你父亲是黑白混血儿，而你的祖父是个黑人。” “是的，”仲马大声回敬：“还有呢，如果你想知道的话，我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其实我的血统起始于你的.血统终止的地方。”

　　英语笑话精彩 7

　　A PresentKate: Mom, do you know what I"m going to give you for your birthday?

　　Mom: No, Honey, what?

　　Kate: A nice teapot.

　　Mom: But I"ve got a nice teapot.

　　Kate: No, you haven"t. I"ve just dropped it.

　　凯特的礼物

　　凯特：妈妈，你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗？

　　妈妈：不知道，宝贝，是什么呀？

　　凯特：一把漂亮的.茶壶。

　　妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。

　　凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。

　　作业：

　　The Doctor Knows Better

　　A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital.

　　His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."

　　"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.

　　Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I"m not dead. I"m still alive."

　　"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"

　　英语笑话精彩 8

　　Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, Im the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

　　"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him whats wrong and he answered, "Whats wrong? I work for 7up"!

　　四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的.董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

　　英语笑话精彩 9

　　An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman: "How much this stuff?"

　　一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。她问店员：“这东西要多少钱？”

　　"Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap." The lady said, "It is too much, give it to me for fourteen." "I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven."

　　“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。” 老太太说：“太贵了，十四美元差不多。” 店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。”

　　"It is still too much," replied the old lady, "give it to me for five."

　　“还是太贵，”老太太说：“五美元，我就买啦。”

　　英语笑话精彩 10

　　who want to go to heaven

　　The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.

　　As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven, please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."

　　Awaking with a start , the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit , "Well, sir," he said, "I dont know what were voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

　　牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时打瞌睡。

　　一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好教育他一下，让他不要再在布道时睡觉。于是他低声对信徒们说：“想去天堂的人，都请站起来吧。”所有的人都站了起来——当然，除了那个打瞌睡的人。在低声说过请坐后，牧师高声喊道：“想去下地狱的人请站起来!”

　　打瞌睡的`人被这突然的喊叫声惊醒了，他站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气的看着他。这个人说道：“噢，先生，我不知道我们在选什么，但看上去只有你和我是候选人。”

　　英语笑话精彩 11

　　The mourners pain

　　A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

　　The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

　　The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I dont wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than Ive ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”

　　The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wifes first husband.”

　　英语笑话精彩 12

　　In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judges eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write I went through a red light five hundred times."

　　在中西部一个大城市的'交通法庭里,一位年轻女士被带到法官面前,她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单.女士向法官解释,她是一名学校老师,请求法官马上处理她的案子,以便可以赶回去上课.法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠,说道：“你是学校的老师,对吗?女士,我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了.在那张桌子旁坐下,写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍.”

　　英语笑话精彩 13

　　A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

　　小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。

　　"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

　　她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的`船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？”

　　A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

　　一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款？”

　　Tips: bank在英语中除了我们平时很熟悉的“银行”之外，还有“河岸”的意思。

　　英语笑话精彩 14

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?"

　　一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的`脚把门推开。”

　　“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢?”

　　“天哪!” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧?”

　　英语笑话精彩 15

　　A foreign visitor touring the great American West came across an Indian with his ear pressed tothe ground. 一位外国游客到美国大西部游览，碰到一个印第安人把耳朵紧贴在地上。

　　"What are you listening for?" heasked. "你在听什么呢?"他询问道。

　　“为了向你表示谢意，我送你一只龙虾。”说着他便给老板一只活蹦乱跳的大龙虾。

　　"Well, thats very kind of you. My wife and I will have it for dinner. " “您真好，我太太和我将以它当晚餐。”

　　"Oh, hes already had dinner. But I am sure hed love to take in a movie. " “喔，它已经吃过晚餐了，但我想它会喜欢看场电影。”

　　英语笑话精彩 16

　　Do You Know My Work?

　　One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their nigh clothes. Two men stood outside and looked at the fire.

　　“Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money. People don’t think of money when they’re afraid. When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it. So I took all the bills that I could find.No one will be poorer because I took them.” “You don’t know my work，” said the other. “What is your work?” “I’m a policeman.

　　“Oh!” cried the first man. He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work?”“No，”said the policeman. “I’m a writer. I’m always telling stories about things that never happened.”

　　【译文】

　　你知道我是干什么的吗?

　　一天晚上，一家旅馆失火，住在这家旅馆里的人穿着睡衣就跑了出来，趣味英语：笑话三则。两个人站在外面，看着大火。

　　“在我出来之前，”其中一个说：“我跑进一些房间，找到了一大笔钱。人在恐惧中是不会想到钱的。如果有人把纸币留在火里，火就会把它烧成灰烬。所以我把我所能找到的钞票都拿走了。没有人会因为我拿走它们而变得更穷。” “你不知道我是干什么的。”另一个说。 “你是干什么的?”

　　“我是警察。”

　　“噢!”第一个人喊了一声。他灵机一动，说：“那你知道我是干什么的?”“不知道。”警察说。 “我是个作家。我总是爱编一些从未发生过的.故事。”

　　Who is the laziest

　　Father:Well,Jack,I talked with your teacher today .And now I want to ask you a question ,Who is the laziest person inyour class ?

　　Jack:I don`t know ,father.

　　Father:Oh,think!When other boys and girls are reading and wirting ,who sits quietly and only watch how other people word?

　　Jack:Our teacher ,father.

　　【译文】

　　谁是最懒惰的

　　爸爸：杰克，我今天已经和你的老师谈过了，现在我想问你，谁是你们班上最懒的人?

　　杰克：我不知道，爸爸

　　爸爸：你再好好想想，当别的同学都在读书写字的时候，谁楞在那儿仅仅是看着其他人?

　　杰克：是我们的老师，爸爸

　　What Is a Traitor?

　　Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics?”

　　Father(a veteran politician)：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one.”

　　Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?”

　　Father：“A convert，my son.”

　　【译文】

　　什么叫叛徒?

　　有希望的青年人：“父亲，什么叫政治叛徒?”

　　父亲(一位老资格的政治家)：“叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人，中小学英语《趣味英语：笑话三则》。”

　　有希望的青年人：“那么，离开他的党而加入到我们党的人又叫什么呢?”

　　父亲：“叫改变信仰者。我的儿子。”

　　英语笑话精彩 17

　　A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sum of money was talking to his lawyer.

　　一个被告卷入了一桩牵涉大笔资金的诉讼案，他去找他的律师。

　　A:If I lose this case, Ill be ruined.

　　如果我输了这场官司，我就完了。

　　B:Its in the judges hand now.

　　这事掌握在法官的手上。

　　A:Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?

　　如果我给法官送一箱雪茄，会不会起点作用?

　　B:Oh.no !This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior.A turu like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hald you in contempt of coun. in fact.you shouldnt even smile ai the judge.

　　哦.不会的!这位法官很固执，非常注意职业道德。这种花招只会让他对你产生偏见，他甚至会认为你蔑视法庭。事实上，你甚至都不用对他微笑。

　　With in the course of time,the judge wndered a decision in favor of the defendant.As the defendanL leR the counhouae,

　　最后，法官作了一个有利于被告的判决，当被告离开法院时。

　　A:Thanks for the tip about the cigars.It worked.

　　谢谢你关于雪茄的忠告，这很管用。

　　B:Im sure we wodd have lost the caae if youd sent them.

　　如果你送了的'话，我肯定会输掉这场官司。

　　A:But did send them.

　　但是我的确送了。

　　B:What? You did?!

　　什么?你送了?!

　　A:Yes.Thats how we won the case.

　　对，这就是我们会赢这场官司的原因。

　　B:I dont understand.

　　我不明白。

　　A:Its easy.I sent the cigars to the judge,but enclosed the plaintiffs business card.

　　这很简单，我把雪茄送到了法官那里，但是附上了原告的一张名片。

　　英语笑话精彩 18

　　1．we two who and who？

　　咱俩谁跟谁阿

　　2．how are you ? how old are you?

　　怎么是你，怎么老是你？

　　3．you have seed I will give you some color to see see, brothers ！ together up ！

　　你有种，我要给你点颜色瞧瞧，兄弟们，一起上！

　　4．as far as you go to die

　　有多远，死多远！

　　5．hello everybody!if you have something to say,then say!if you have nothing to say,go home!!

　　有事起奏，无事退朝

　　6．you me you me

　　彼此彼此

　　7．You Give Me Stop!!

　　你给我站住！

　　8．know is know noknow is noknow

　　知之为知之，不知为不知…

　　9．WATCH SISTER

　　表妹

　　10．dragon born dragon,chicken born chicken,mouse’’son can make hole!!

　　龙生龙，凤生凤，老鼠的儿子会打洞！

　　11.I give you face you don’t wanna face,you lose you face ,I turn myface

　　给你脸你不要脸，你丢脸，我翻脸

　　12．one car come one car go ,two car pengpeng,people die

　　车祸现场描述

　　13．heart flower angry open

　　心花怒放

　　14．go past no mistake past

　　走过路过，不要错过

　　15．小明：I am sorry!

　　老外：I am sorry too!

　　小明：I am sorry three!

　　老外：What are you sorry for?

　　小明：I am sorry five!

　　16．If you want money,I have no;if you want life,I have one!

　　要钱没有，要命一条

　　17．I call Li old big. toyear 25.

　　我叫李老大，今年25。

　　18．you have two down son

　　你有两下子。

　　19. good good study,day day up!

　　好好学习，天天向上

　　英语笑话精彩 19

　　On my first day of classes at my university I took a front-row seat in my literature course.

　　大学的第一天，文学课我坐在了前排。

　　The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.

　　教授告诉我们这学期必须得读五本书，他提供我们可供选择的作者名单。

　　Then he ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book and began, "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

　　随后他缓步走上讲台，拿出课本，“贝克、布莱克、布鲁斯、卡特、库克…”

　　I was working feverishly to get down all the names when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student in back of me whispered, "Hes taking attendance."

　　为了写下所有的名字，我不得不疯狂的作着记录。这时有人轻轻的'拍我肩膀，坐在我后面的学生悄悄告诉我：“他在点名呢。”