英语幽默笑话

时间：2025-06-13 10:16:05 晶敏幽默笑话我要投稿

英语幽默笑话（精选36篇）

　　在繁忙的学习工作中，适时读一些幽默笑话，放松自己，劳逸结合十分重要。下面是小编为你整理的几则英语幽默精彩段子，让你笑到停不下来!

英语幽默笑话（精选36篇）

　　英语幽默笑话 1

　　An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I dont know whats the matter with me.Ive been limping for the last half hour.”

　　英语幽默笑话 2

　　The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Monsignor." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Your Excellency."

　　"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, Hello, Your Eminence.

　　" The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, Oh, my God!"

　　英语幽默笑话 3

　　A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

　　英语幽默笑话 4

　　Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?

　　Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!

　　英语幽默笑话 5

　　A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

　　Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

　　The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

　　英语幽默笑话 6

　　When the bill arrives ,Mark, Chris ,Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill , out come the pocket calculators.

　　英语幽默笑话 7

　　Mary was so disgusted at her husbands cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.‘I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday .’‘Dont worry ,dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later .’He said with a smile.

　　英语幽默笑话 8

　　The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin, he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse.

　　英语幽默笑话 9

　　He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you?"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you?”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny ?"and God says:"In a second."

　　英语幽默笑话 10

　　Are you using your mower this afternoon?

　　Mr. Johnson:Are you using your mower this afternoon?

　　Mr. Smith.Yes.

　　Mr. Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you wont be needing it ?

　　英语幽默笑话 11

　　A little girl was lost, so she went up to a policeman and said, "lve lost my moml" The cop said,"Whats she like?" The little girl replied,"Shopping and gossiping!”

　　英语幽默笑话 12

　　A bit of advice for those about to retire. lf you are only 65,never move to ansrUrement community. Everybody else is in their 71s, 80s,or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded,they yell,"Get the kid.

　　英语幽默笑话 13

　　how do i get the gum out我怎么把口香糖取出来

　　distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. when the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, "im meeting my wife right away. how do i get the gum out from my ears?"

　　当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候，她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后，一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前，说道：“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”

　　英语幽默笑话 14

　　Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger.

　　Will said, "Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My fathers the one who dug the hole for it."

　　Bill wasnt impressed, "Well, thats nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My fathers the one who killed it!"

　　维尔和比尔在争吵，谁的爸爸是更强壮的一个。维尔说：“你知道太平洋吗?那个坑是我爸爸挖的。”

　　比尔不屑地说：“那没什么。你知道死海吗? 那是我爸爸打死的`。”

　　英语幽默笑话 15

　　What Are The Two Words？A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter．“My dear，” said the old lady，“I wish you would do something for me．I wish you would promise me never to use two words．One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’．Would you promise me that？ “Why，sure，Granny，”said the girl．“What are the two words？”

　　一个非常高贵的老夫人有几句话要对她的.孙女说。“我亲爱的，”老夫人说：“我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词。一个是‘讨厌的’，另一个是‘极好的’。你能答应我吗？” “噢，当然，奶奶。”女孩说：“是哪两个词？”

　　英语幽默笑话 16

　　To Buy a Video 买录像机

　　Amos asked his mother whether they could have a video.

　　I’m afraid we can’t afford one, sighed his mother.

　　But on the following day in came Amos, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video.

　　How on earth did you pay for that? gasped his mother.

　　Easy, Mum. replied Amos, I sold the television!

　　艾莫斯问妈妈他们是否能买一台录像机。

　　恐怕我们还买不起，妈妈叹息着说。

　　可第二天当艾莫斯回来时，他摇摇晃晃地搬着一台全新的录像机。

　　你究竟是哪儿来的钱买这东西?妈妈大吃一惊，喘着气说。

　　妈妈，这简单，艾曼斯回答。我把电视机给卖了!

　　英语幽默笑话 17

　　A few months after Tom and I were married一during World War II, he was shipped off to Pearl Harbor. In one of his first letters，he wrote，"Im going to have a Navy battle-ship tattooed on my chest.”

　　Instead of pleading, I answered simply,“Send me a pitcture of your tattoo，and Ill have a duplicate put on my chest. "

　　We have been married for 51 years. Neither of us has a tattoo.

　　英语幽默笑话 18

　　we attended the wedding of an acquaintances son. because we did not know the young man or his bride, we decided to send them a practical household gift, a fire extinguisher. apparently, the couple mass-produced their thank-you notes because we received a card saying: thank you very much for the nice wedding gift. we look forward to using it soon.

　　我们参加了一个熟人的.儿子的婚礼。由于我们都不认识那个年轻人和他的新娘，所以我们决定送给他们一个实用的全家礼----一个灭火器。很明显，这对新人大批量制作了他们的感谢信，因为我

　　英语幽默笑话 19

　　goldfish 金鱼

　　stan: i won 92 goldfish.

　　斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。

　　fred: where are you going to keep them?

　　弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们?

　　stan: in the bathroom.

　　斯丹：浴室。

　　fred: but what will you do when you want to take a bath?

　　弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办?

　　stan: blindfold(蒙眼睛) them!

　　斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛!

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　　英语幽默笑话 20

　　A friend was trying to encourage his elderly mother to enjoy the money, she had accumulated through frugal living. "Mother," he said, "you have enough money to last you until youre a hundred."

　　"And then whatll I do?" she replied.

　　一位朋友试图劝他的.老妈妈要享用钱，她通过节俭的生活攒下了钱。“妈妈，”他说，“你有足够的钱能让你用到一百岁。”

　　“到了一百岁又该怎么办?”她回答。

　　英语幽默笑话 21

　　Two birls

　　Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

　　Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

　　Teacher: Please tell us.

　　Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

　　两只鸟

　　老师：这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

　　学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

　　老师：请说说看。

　　学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

　　英语幽默笑话 22

　　Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics？” Father（a veteran politician）：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one．”

　　Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？” Father：“A convert，my son．”

　　有希望的青年人：“父亲，什么叫政治叛徒？” 父亲（一位老资格的政治家）：“叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的'人。” 有希望的青年人：“那么，离开他的党而加入到我们党的人又叫什么呢？” 父亲：“叫改变信仰者。我的儿子。”

　　英语幽默笑话 23

　　Dentist: Im sorry, madam, but Ill have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your sons tooth.

　　Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

　　Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.

　　昂贵的代价

　　牙科医生：对不起，夫人，为给您的.儿子拔牙，我得收二十五美元。

　　母亲：二十五美元!可是我知道您拔一颗牙只要五美元呀?

　　牙科医生：是的。但是您儿子这么大声地叫唤，他都吓跑四位病人了

　　英语幽默笑话 24

　　Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "Thats the first time Ive ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

　　英语幽默笑话 25

　　其实学英语也能闹出很多笑话，那些笑话想起来连肚皮要笑破了！不过，你可千万不要在吃饭的时候读，否则你的'书就被喷得满页都是饭。

　　有一次，老师要求我们说出一些常见的动物。比如：猫呀、狗呀。突然，我想到了老鼠（mouse），举手站起来就说“mouth”，老师一听，笑了起来。有同学问：“老师您为什么笑啊？”老师说，我把老鼠说成了嘴巴，我一听，满脸通红。同学们都笑了起来，谁让它们发音这么接近呢。

　　还有一次，老师让我们用英文说一句话：我有一些香蕉，妈妈有一个西瓜。有一个同学站起来说：“I have some bananas，my murder has a watermelon。”用中文翻译是：“我有一些香蕉，我谋杀（妈妈）有一个西瓜。先是班级全体沉默，接着便是一阵哄堂大笑。

　　我们学英语的过程中还有许多有趣的事情，也让我们对英语产生了浓厚的兴趣。

　　英语幽默笑话 26

　　一场特殊的足球比赛

　　Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream."

　　"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.

　　"Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied Mike.

　　麦克上学迟到了。他对布莱克老师说：“对不起，老师，今天早上我迟到了。因为我在梦里观看了一场球赛。”

　　“为什么它会让你迟到呢?”老师问道。

　　“因为这两个队都没有能力获胜，所以就持续的时间长了。”麦克回答说。

　　英语幽默笑话 27

　　Sales

　　There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope.

　　It was stormy outside, and the plane was being rocked by some severe turbulence.

　　So this kindly old lady looked upon Deaths door, and said to her papal neighbour, "Father, surely you can do something about this."

　　To which the Pope replied, "Sorry lady, Im in sales, not management."

　　英语幽默笑话 28

　　Put your feet in把脚放进去

　　The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"

　　一个女学生坐在座位上，嘴里起劲地嚼着口香糖，脚却伸到课桌间的走道里，被老师发现了。“玛丽!”老师严厉地叫她。“什么事，老师?”这女学生问。“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来，把脚放进去。”

　　英语幽默笑话 29

　　"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. "When I say Good afternoon, the undergraduates respond Good afternoon. But the graduate students just write it down."

　　一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说："我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我说下午好的时候，本科生回答下午好，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。"

　　英语幽默笑话 30

　　"So you want another day off,”snorted the teacher to his student，Tom.“I am anxious to hear what excuse you have this time. You have been off for your grandfathers funeral four times already.”

　　“这么说，你又要请一天假，”老师怒气冲冲地对他的学生汤姆说，“我倒想知道你这次找什么借口。你已经请了四次假说去参加你爷爷的葬礼。”

　　Tom replied，"Today my grandma is getting married again.”

　　汤姆回答说:“今天是我奶奶再次举行婚礼。”

　　英语幽默笑话 31

　　《Two Birds》两只鸟

　　Teacher: ”Here are two birds,one is a swallow,the other is sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which?“

　　Student: ”I cannot point out but I know the answer.“

　　Teacher: ”Please tell us.“

　　Student: ”The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.“

　　老师：”这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗?“

　　学生：”我指不出，但我知道答案。“

　　老师：”请说说看。“

　　学生：”燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。“

　　生难词：swallow n.燕子 sparrow n.麻雀

　　英语幽默笑话 32

　　What are the Two Words?

　　A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?

　　Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?

　　是哪两个词？

　　一个非常和蔼的老夫人有几句话要对她的孙女说。我亲爱的，老夫人说，我希望你能帮我一个忙。我要你答应永远不要用两个词，一个是“讨厌的'”，另一个是“极好的”。你能答应我吗？

　　噢，当然，奶奶。女孩说：是哪两个词？

　　英语幽默笑话 33

　　a doctor came into the hospital ward and said to mr. johnson, "i have some good news and some bad news for you."

　　一位医生走进医院的.病房，告诉强森先生：“我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。”

　　then mr. johnson said, "please, give me the good news first."

　　强森先生说：“请先告诉我好消息吧!”

　　so the doctor said, "the doctors here are going to name an incurable disease after you."

　　医生说：“本院的医师决定用你的名字，来为一种不治之症命名。”

　　英语幽默笑话 34

　　我希望您的面包病好了

　　I was making rolls and, needing a warm place for the dough to rise, put the bowl in a heating pad. Then I left the house on an errand(使命，差事) . When I came back, I found this note from my son: "Dear Mom, I hope your bread gets better."

　　我在做面包，需要把面团放在一个暖和点的地方使它发起来。我把面盆放在电热褥里，后来就出去干别的'活去了。等我回家时，发现儿子留下一张纸条，上面写着：“亲爱的妈妈，我希望您的面包已经病好了。”

　　英语幽默笑话 35

　　I Dont Like an Argument 我不想争论

　　”Gerald,“asked the teacher,”what is the shape of the earth?“

　　”Its round,“answered Gerald.

　　”How do you know its round?“continued the teacher.

　　”All right,its square then,he replied,I really dont feel like getting into an argument about it!

　　”杰拉尔德，“老师问：”地球是什么形状?“

　　”是圆形的，“杰拉尔德回答道。

　　”你怎么知道是圆的`?“老师又问。

　　”好吧，那它是方的，“学生回答说：”我可不想与你争论这件事情。“

　　生难词：square adj.平方的，方形的

　　英语幽默笑话 36

　　At a dinner party a shy young man had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess. At last he saw his chance when she turned to him and remarked, "What a small appetite you have tonight, Mr. Jones.""To sit next to you," he replied gallantly, "would cause any man to lose his appetite."

　　在一次晚餐聚会上，一位腼腆的年青人一直在冥思苦想对女主人说一些好听的`话。机会总于来了，女主人转向他说：“琼斯先生，您今晚的饭量太小了。”“坐在您身边，”他殷勤的说道，“任何男人都会失去胃口的。”

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