最幽默的英语笑话

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最幽默的英语笑话（通用19个）

　　一个人的聪明才智会在幽默的谈吐中闪光，并且会深深吸引他人。下面，小编给大家收集整理了最幽默的英语笑话，增加幽默细胞，聪明的你一定会成为闪光点。以下是小编整理的最幽默的英语笑话，欢迎阅读。

最幽默的英语笑话（通用19个）

　　最幽默的英语笑话 1

　　Who is he waiting for 他在等谁

　　Two friends were having lunch at a café in new Yorks Grand Central Terminal. They noticed a man sitting alone at an adjoining table. When the waitress approached him, they overheard her ask, "Are you waiting to be joined by a tall, thin woman with long, blond hair?" He answered, "In the large scheme of my life, yes, but today Im meeting my wife." 两个朋友在纽约市汽车中心总站的'一家咖啡厅里吃午饭。他们注意到一个男人独自坐在邻桌。当服务员小姐走向他时，无意中听到她问那个男人：“你是在等一位个子很高，很瘦，留长发，皮肤很白的金发女人吗?” 那人回答说：“在我生活的长远规划中，我是在等。但是今天，我却是在等我的妻子。”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 2

　　Grandpa: It’s time for dinner Bao Bao. Wash up!

　　Grandson (Bao Bao, 12 years old): Aw Grandpa, I don’t want rice again. Can you take me to KFC tonight? Please?

　　Grandpa: I suppose so, but you’ll have to show me where it is. We’ll take the bus.

　　At the counter of KFC…

　　Grandpa: Why are children so crazy about chicken wings and hamburgers? What’s so good about them?

　　Grandson: Hmm…hmm. Hey, I’ll take 2 chicken wings and a Coke, OK?

　　At the table…

　　Grandpa: Bao Bao, do you like being Chinese or do you sometimes wish you could live in America or Europe?

　　Grandson: Uh, maybe America, I think the foods there are cool. Why?

　　Grandpa: Well, when I was your age, I liked to go out with my parents and eat in a Chinese restaurant. We didn’t have chicken wings or the drink with bubbles. We drank tea and we had rice and traditional Chinese dishes.

　　Grandson: Grandpa, I want some French fries. Can I have some?

　　Grandpa: Phew…all right! Children are children after all. Bao Bao, do you know what children ate in the past? They ate spring rolls when spring was coming, glutinous rice balls during the Lantern Festival and if they behaved well, their parents would probably buy them small steamed bread made with corn flour…I can still remember the taste, that sweet…

　　Grandson: I want more chicken wings, can I, Grandpa?

　　Grandpa: You’ve already eaten too much of that, Bao Bao! A lot of your friends are getting fat too…you know, in the good old days, we…

　　Grandson: Grandpa, pass the ketchup,‘kay?

　　爷爷和孙子之间的爆笑对话

　　亲历快餐

　　爷爷：宝宝，该吃晚饭了，去洗洗手吧。

　　孙子(宝宝，12岁)：噢，爷爷，我不想吃米饭!您能带我去吃肯德基吗?求您啦!

　　爷爷：好吧，只是你得告诉我它在哪儿。我们坐公交车去吧。

　　在肯德基的柜台前……

　　爷爷：为什么孩子们如此热衷于鸡翅和汉堡呢?有什么好吃的!

　　孙子：嗯……我要两个鸡翅和一杯可乐，可以吗?

　　在餐桌旁……

　　爷爷：宝宝，你是喜欢当个中国人，还是有时候会想当个美国人或是欧洲人?

　　孙子：嗯，也许想当个美国人吧，那里的食物都很酷。为什么要问这个?

　　爷爷：喔，在我像你这么大时，我喜欢跟我的父母一起去中国餐馆吃饭。我们那时没有鸡翅，也没有这种会冒泡的饮料。我们喝茶，吃米饭和传统的中国菜。

　　孙子：爷爷，我想吃薯条，行不行啊?

　　爷爷：哟，好吧!毕竟是孩子!宝宝，你知道过去的'孩子吃什么吗?春天来了，他们会吃春卷;元宵节时，他们会吃元宵。如果表现得好，父母还会给他们买玉米面做的小窝头……我至今还记得那滋味儿，甜甜的……

　　孙子：我想再要点鸡翅，可以吗，爷爷?

　　爷爷：宝宝，你已经吃了不少啦。你的很多朋友都变胖了。你知道吗?在过去那些好日子里，我们……

　　孙子：爷爷，把番茄酱递给我一下!

　　最幽默的英语笑话 3

　　Put your feet in 把脚放进去

　　The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle, and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary!" called the teacher sharply. "Yes, Madam?" questioned the pupil, "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"

　　一个女学生坐在座位上，嘴里起劲地嚼着口香糖，脚却伸到课桌间的走道里，被老师发现了。“玛丽!”老师严厉地叫她。“什么事，老师?”这女学生问。“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来，把脚放进去。”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 4

　　Lucky Mother

　　A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well. Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam. Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Arent you pleased that youve come to live with us now?"

　　幸运的母亲

　　一位年轻的'母亲认为，世界上还有许多受饥饿的人，浪费食物真不应该。有天晚上，在安排幼小的女儿睡觉之前，她给女儿喂夜宵。她先给她一片新鲜的黑面包和黄油，但孩子说她不喜欢这样吃。她还要一些果酱涂在面包上。母亲看了女儿几秒钟，随即说道，“露茜，当我象你一样小的时候，总是吃面包加黄油，或者面包加果酱，从来没有面包既加黄油又加果酱。” 露茜看了母亲一会儿，眼中露出怜悯的神情，然后她柔声说：“您现在能跟我们生活在一起难道不感到高兴吗?”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 5

　　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

　　"Why use my elbow and foot?"

　　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "Youre not coming empty-handed, are you?"

　　一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

　　“为什么我要用我的'肘和脚呢?”

　　“天哪!” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧?”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 6

　　its me all right

　　A pretty young lady went to cash a check at a bank. The teller examined it, then asked, "Can you identify yourself? “Looking puzzled, the girl dipped into her handbag and pulled out a small mirror. She glanced into it for a moment, then smiled, "Yes, its me all right."

　　这就是我

　　一位年轻漂亮的女士到银行取钱。出纳员在检查了她的存折后问道：“您能证明您的身份吗？” 这个女孩听了这话以后看上去很迷惑，随后她从手提包里拿出一个小镜子。她对着镜子照了一会儿，笑了：“对呀，这就是我。

　　现在的专栏不用权限就可以任意加入了,但是也发乱七八糟的了.请在此发贴的'人,看清楚了好不好?

　　最幽默的英语笑话 7

　　How Did You Ever Get Here

　　你是怎样来的?

　　One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

　　一个冬天的早晨，一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了，我每向前迈一步，就要向后退两步。”

　　The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

　　老板狐疑地看着他。“噢，是吗?那你是怎样到这里来的?”

　　"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

　　“后来我决定放弃，”他说，“然后我就往家里走。”

　　最幽默的.英语笑话 8

　　A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

　　Here is the situation, she said. A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

　　His wife hears the commotion, knows that he cant swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?

　　A girl raised her hand and asked, to draw out all of his savings?

　　小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。

　　他的'妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么? 一个女生举手答道，是不是去取他的存款?

　　最幽默的英语笑话 9

　　Larry and Harry drove 500 miles to go fishing. They paid a huge sum to rent a cabin, a similar about to rent a boat. They fished for three days and caught only one fish between them.On the way home, Harry fiddled with（摆弄，玩弄） a calculator while Larry drove. After an hour, Harry said, Do you realize that this one fish we caught cost us almost $2,000?Wow! Larry said, Its a good thing we didnt catch any more.

　　拉里和哈里驱车500英里去钓鱼。两人花了一大笔钱租了一间小屋，又花了差不多同样的钱租了一条船。两人钓了三天，只钓到一条鱼。在回家的路上，拉里开车，哈里拨弄着计算器。一小时后，哈里说：你可知道我们钓的`这条鱼几乎用掉我们2000美元？哇！拉里应答：幸亏我们没有多钓到鱼。

　　最幽默的英语笑话 10

　　The Umbrella

　　A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written: "This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. I shall be back in ten minutes." When he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written,"This card belongs to a man who can run tenmiles an hour. I shall not come back."

　　雨伞

　　一位住在旅馆的绅士把他的雨伞放在了大厅里，不过他在伞柄上系了一张卡片，上面写道，“此伞属于一位能举百磅的绅士。我将在十分钟内回来。当他回来时，发现雨伞已经不翼而飞，取而代之的.是另一张卡片，上面写着：“此卡是一位一小时能跑十英里的人留下的，我将永远不回来了。”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 11

　　巧合

　　A woman was singing. One of the guest criticized the singer to the man beside him.

　　台上一个女士正在放声高歌，台下的一个听众跟他旁边的一个男人抱怨说，

　　"What a terrible voice." He said. "Do you know who she is?"

　　“这是什么嗓子啊？你知道她是谁吗？”

　　The man beside him answered. "She is my wife."

　　那个男人回答，“她是我老婆。”

　　"Oh, Im sorry." he said. "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is too bad.

　　“哦，抱歉，抱歉，我的意思是说她嗓子不差，就是曲子太难听了。

　　I wonder who wrote that awful song."

　　我真是想不到谁会写出这么难听的曲子呢？”

　　"I did." said the man.

　　那个男人回答，“是我写的'！”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 12

　　One Side of the Case

　　一面之辞

　　A judge asked our group of potential jurors whether anyone should be excused, and one man raised his hand.

　　一位法官问我们这群修补陪审员是否有人应当免权。一个人举起了手。

　　"I cant hear out of my left ear," the man told the judge.

　　“我的左耳听不见。”那人告诉法官。

　　"Can you hear out of your right ear?" the judge asked. The man nodded his head.

　　“你的`右边耳朵听得见吗?”法官问道。那人点了点头。

　　"Youll be allowed to serve on the jury," the judge declared. "We only listen to one side of the case at a time."

　　“你将被允许加入陪审团，”法官宣布。“我们每次只听一面之辞。

　　最幽默的英语笑话 13

　　Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

　　"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"

　　The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

　　There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

　　两个猎人在森林里打猎，突然一人晕倒了。他的呼吸停止，眼神呆滞。另外一个人掏出手机，拨打911。

　　“我想我的'朋友死了！”他喊道，“我该怎么办？”

　　接线员说：“请冷静。首先，请确认他是否真的死了。”接着一阵沉寂，然后是一声枪响。回到电话中，猎人接着说：“好了，然后呢？”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 14

　　Dumas仲马

　　One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with his ancestry. “Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon;yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro.” “Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to knowmygreatgrandfather was a monkey. In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates.”

　　有一天，一个人在嘲弄法国大小说家亚历山大·仲马，讥笑他的祖先。那家伙厉声说：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血儿，你父亲是黑白混血儿，而你的祖父是个黑人。” “是的，”仲马大声回敬：“还有呢，如果你想知道的话，我的曾祖父是一只猴子。其实我的血统起始于你的血统终止的`地方。”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 15

　　Black eyes

　　A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

　　The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so I was trying to be nice and I pulled it out for her. Then, she turned around and punched me in the eye.”

　　The boss asked, “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”

　　“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 16

　　A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."

　　"I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor.

　　Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "Im not dead. Im still alive."

　　"Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"

　　一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的.床前对医生说：“我想他伤得很厉害。”

　　医生说：“恐怕他已经死了。”

　　听到医生的话，这个男人转动着头说：“我没死，我还活着。”

　　妻子说：“安静，医生比你懂得多。”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 17

　　A highway patrol officer stopped a speeding motorist. "Dont you know what the blinking lights and siren mean?" he demanded.

　　一位公路巡警截住了一个超速司机。“难道你不知道闪烁灯和警笛的'意思吗？”他责问道。

　　"Yes, sir," replied the driver.

　　“知道，长官，”司机回答说。

　　"Then why didnt you pull over immediately?"

　　“那你为什么不立即靠边停车？”

　　"I would have, officer, " the man said. "But last month my wife ran off with a policeman, and I was afraid you were bringing her back.

　　“我本来想这样做的，长官。”那男子回答说，“但上个月我妻子和一位警察私奔了，我是害怕你把她带回来。”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 18

　　篮球教练的`心理学测试

　　The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oraltest.

　　一位刚刚做完一场有关心理健康讲座的心理学指导老师，正在进行一个口头测试。

　　Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patientwho walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chairweeping uncontrollably the next?"

　　测试主题定为躁狂抑郁症，她问道：“你将怎样诊断这样的一个病人，他先是来回走着并大声叫喊了一分钟，然后坐在一张椅子上失控般地哭泣。”

　　A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

　　一个坐在后面的年轻人举手答道：“他是一个篮球教练?”

　　最幽默的英语笑话 19

　　An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman: "How much this stuff?"

　　一位耳聋并且总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。她问店员：“这东西要多少钱？”

　　"Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap." The lady said, "It is too much, give it to me for fourteen." "I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven."

　　“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。” 老太太说：“太贵了，十四美元差不多。” 店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。”

　　"It is still too much," replied the old lady, "give it to me for five."

　　“还是太贵，”老太太说：“五美元，我就买啦。”

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