最新英语笑话全集

时间：2020-10-02 17:22:34 英语笑话我要投稿

最新英语笑话全集

　　The couple seated in restaurant seemed to be having a wonderful time. But as the woman glanced away from the table，their waiter suddenly rushed over.

　　在饭馆里坐着一对夫妇，他们看上去非常高兴。但是当那女子向旁边瞥了一眼时，服务员马上跑了过来。

　　“Madam look,”he said.“Your husband just slid under the table.”

　　“夫人，您瞧,” 他说,“您丈夫滑到桌子底下去了。”

　　“No,he didn't,”she replied.“My husband just came in the door.”

　　“不，他没有,” 她回答,“我丈夫刚从门外进来。”

　　●有两条裤子

　　A young man came home from work and found his bride upset. "I feel terrible,” she said. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers.”

　　丈夫下班回到家里，发现自己的新娘心绪烦乱。“我心里太难受了，”她说。“我在给你熨西装时把裤子的臀部烧了个大洞。”

　　“Forget it ,” consoled her husband. “Remember that I’ve got an extra pair of pants for that suit.”

　　“没事儿，”丈夫安慰她说。“你忘了我这套衣服有两条裤子。”

　　“Yes,” said the woman, cheering up. "And it’s lucky you have. I used them to patch the hole.”

　　“是的，”妻子高兴地说，“幸亏你还有一条，我后来就用它来补了这个洞了。”

　　●死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭

　　Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of

　　those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho.

　　妻子：你瞧，根据这报上登的统计数字，那些死于肝癌的人有80%都喝酒。

　　Husband:It's okey. To my investigation, all Thespeopleeat

　　meals.

　　丈夫：那就不错了。据我调查，所有这些人都吃饭呢。

　　●我是单身汉

　　Jack fell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back.

　　杰克骑车摔伤，去医院治疗。一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填。杰克填好后递上表格。

　　"Anything else?"The nurse asked. "Yes," Jack thinks for a while and said "l'm a bachelor."

　　“还有什么漏填的?”护士问。“有!”杰克想了想说，“我是个单身汉。”

　　●狗住旅店

　　A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

　　有个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”

　　An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

　　旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单，餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。

　　●《律师、宝马和胳膊》

　　A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

　　"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

　　一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。

　　“警察同志，看看他们把我的'车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。

　　"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

　　“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”

　　律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?”

　　●The New Teacher

　　George comes from school on the first of September.

　　9月1日，乔治放学回到家里。

　　George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.

　　“乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗?” 妈妈问

　　I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too.....

　　“妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。”

　　●The Fish Net

　　Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?

　　“你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安?” 老师发问道。

　　A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.

　　“把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。”小女孩回答道。

　　●Another 40 Years to live

　　A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

　　一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院，在手术台上，濒临死亡之际，她看到了上帝，于是，她问上帝是不是她的日子到头了。上帝回答说，“还没有，你还能活43年，2个月零8天。” 身体快要康复的时候，这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年，得好好对待自己，于是决定先不出院，而是去给自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美体手术。她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。做完最后一个手术，这位女士出院了，但就在过马路的时候，她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地问上帝，“我记得你说我还能再活40年?” 上帝回答，“那个时候我没认出你来”。

　　●双语笑话

　　In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my height.

　　Once I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to wear.

　　When doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn't want to hear: "Go barefoot."

　　中学的时候，我对自己的高度非常敏感。

　　一次，一位救生员约我出去。事实上，我从未和他并肩站过，因而不知道他到底有多高。因此约会那晚，我拿出两双鞋，一双高跟，一双平跟。我安排哥哥去开门，让他和救生员比比高度，再上楼告诉我应穿哪双鞋。

　　门铃响了，我在楼上等着。哥哥跑上楼告诉了我一个不幸的消息：“你可以光着脚去约会。”

　　●Is he dying?

　　A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face. A friend walked in and asked why he was so unhappy. The weeping one said, The doctor has just told me I'll have to take these tablets for the rest of my life.

　　Cheerfully, his friend pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life. Sure, came the reply, but he only gave me ten.

　　一个男人坐在酒吧里痛哭流泪。一个朋友走进来问他为何如此伤心。那人哭着说：刚才医生告诉我，在我的余生里都要吃这些药片。

　　他的朋友很轻松地指出，许多人一辈子每天都要吃药。当然，男人回答说：但是他只给了我十片。

　　●The blonde and the farmer

　　There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take&n......。

　　一个金发女郎，是那么恶心的黄色笑话她把头发染成红色。笑话停了下来，她觉得很好，她在农村的一个搭车的星期六下午。而在这旅程，她注意到一群羊，停下车来把......。

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